Welcome back to our blog! The holidays are quickly approaching and along with the excitement can come some stress or dread. We have all experienced difficult interactions with people over the holidays whether it is family, friends, or stressed out strangers. Learning to set clear boundaries with others is a sure fire way to help you be in control this season.
As counselors, we find ourselves frequently helping people through the difficulties of navigating boundaries with others and we’d like to give some of our best tips to get you through. Keep reading to discover what boundaries are, the various types of boundaries you can set, how to set boundaries, and how they can help you rid yourself of unnecessary stress.
Boundaries: What Are They?
The word boundaries is a hot topic in popular culture today, but what does that word really mean? To put it plainly, boundaries are limits we set that define what we are willing to accept in terms of behavior and interactions. There are many types of boundaries that are common practice such as not hugging strangers, but there are many situations where we need to speak up and set the expectation for how we want to be treated.
When it comes to boundary setting, it’s helpful to clarify for yourself what type you are wanting or needing to set. We have physical boundaries, such as not accepting unwanted touch from others, we have emotional boundaries, such as not allowing someone to vent to us when we don’t have the space for it, and we have time boundaries, such as not answering texts after 8pm. If you know you’re needing to set a boundary, but aren’t sure what type to set, ask yourself, “What is the behavior that’s bothering me?” and define it as either physical, emotional, or time.
How Do I Set Boundaries?
Odds are, you’ve probably already done this at some point in your life, but you just didn’t recognize it as boundary setting. Any time you have told someone you are no longer going to accept a certain behavior, you’ve set a boundary. For many people, setting boundaries can sound harsh or aggressive, particularly if you are a people pleaser. Boundaries can be set in a respectful conversation and are really a helpful tool to ensure the success of a relationship.
Once you’ve identified the type of boundary you need to set, you can spend a few minutes practicing with yourself just how you want to say it. Boundaries need to be set using clear and assertive communication and frequently need a clear plan for handling it when the boundary is violated. For example, “I’ve been frustrated the last few times we’ve met for lunch because I’ve been left to pay the bill. I need you to start paying your half or maybe we need to change how we’re spending time together.” Remember, you are setting yourself up for failure if you set a boundary you know you aren’t willing to uphold. This is most common in parenting situations and with family.
Not every situation will feel as easy as another. Often we see people needing to implement boundaries when it comes to disagreements so behavior doesn’t contribute to the problem. The same guidelines apply of setting a clear limit with assertive and respectful conversation and stating the consequence if the boundary is violated. For example, “I want to solve this problem with you, but if yelling happens again, I’m going to have to remove myself from this situation and we’ll find a better time to resolve it when you can keep your voice calm.”
If you find yourself struggling to set boundaries effectively, consider professional help. Counselors are well trained to help you overcome any obstacles and can practice with you until you feel confident in your ability to set boundaries.
How Will This Help Your Holiday Stress?
There are many ways boundaries can give you a helping hand this season. You can set time limits with people if you’re finding yourself invited to too many parties and get-togethers. It often feels impossible to attend everything every year and we can stress ourselves to the point we don’t enjoy any of it. So rather than allowing yourself to get to that point, pick a few commitments you know you can make and gracefully decline the others. Set the time boundary and you can always offer to catch up after the holiday season is over, when you have more time.
Emotional boundaries are the most common form of boundaries we hear people needing to implement around the holiday season. While questions can be well-intended, sometimes family members may go too far in their questioning and cause you to feel discomfort. You are under no obligation to respond to topics you don’t feel comfortable with and can respond with a quick and clear boundary.
Lastly, physical boundaries come up around the holiday season in a few different contexts. You don’t have to force yourself to hug someone you’re not comfortable with, or force your children to do the same. You can set the boundary with a simple alternative, “I don’t like hugs, but we can shake hands.” If you’re having guests to your home, but don’t want to allow free access to all areas of your home, simply set the expectation from the beginning for them that bedrooms are off limits.
Putting It All Together
Boundaries are intimidating to many, but it’s helpful to remind yourself they are there to help you gain more confidence and to help your relationships be more successful. It is simply your way of letting others know what you are ok with and what you aren’t. Keep the conversation clear and respectful. Those that care about you and your well-being will find their way with your boundaries to help you feel more comfortable.
Take a few minutes to reflect on past holiday seasons where you’ve felt uncomfortable and start getting your new boundaries figured out before you find yourself stressed beyond belief. It’s time to enjoy the season with those you love in a way you’re comfortable. Remember, professional help is always available to help you be successful!
If you have any helpful tips of your own, or have a success story you’d like to share, please give us a shout and let us know!